Journal for February 9, 2018

I feel my insides like a vast plain, stretching out before me into eternity. It is arid and dry, not a shrub or a puddle anywhere in sight. 

This is my today, my tomorrow, my future days.

Yesterday there was hope; there was some shrubbery. I forged ahead. And found myself in a mire of nothingness. 

It is quiet in my brain. Quiet, except for the echoing, screaming, whistling despair.

Remember when I was excited for 2018?

Yeah. What a joke.

I have to sigh. These feelings will pass, I'm sure. They always do. They always pass, and they always come back. It's just the way of things. 

Depression is not fun, my friends. 

Journal for January 14, 2018

Being sick is no fun. I wake up woozy, with a gnawing in my stomach that's both hunger and nausea and a thickness in my head.

I wanted to go to church today. It's my last Sunday in Trieste (the very thought makes my heart clench) and I was going to see some people I haven't seen in a while, people who helped me grow up. 

Except I'm sick and it's not fun. 

I'm also sad. And happy. Terrified, but also excited. See, I'm leaving Trieste (again, always leaving) in two days to go back to South Carolina. I don't know how I feel. I'm excited to start anew and get my life back on track, but I'm desperately sad to leave Italy. I'm also heartbroken that my return won't be to New York.

At the same time, I'm super excited to see friends in Columbia. I have one friend who's having a baby shower, and I'll actually get to go! That's novel and exciting! I'll get to be around my family a lot, get to see Baby J grow up a little and hang out with my cousins (well, you know, if they can fit me into their super-busy schedules ;) ) and my aunt and uncle and grandparents and siblings. 

So this return to South Carolina, it's very good. 

But I'm still sad.

It's awkward to feel both things at once. 

And on my second-to-last day in Italy, I am sick. What a bummer.

Journal for January 1, 2018

The year begins inauspiciously, with rain pouring outside and me, on my computer in my darkened bedroom. The bedside lamp is too bright, piercing my eyes, so I see by the light of my computer. 

I’ve read that if you want to do something during a year, you have to do it on the 1st. This sounds like a superstition, and I’m not sure how I feel about accepting my own superstitious nature, but I can see how it might be true; the first day of the year sets the tone for the next 364. 

So I got up and made coffee and read the news. I read a book (NICE TRY, JANE SINNER, releasing Jan. 9) and now I’m writing. I watched some YouTube videos and made plans for streamlining my reading process even more in 2018. I applied for a job. 

And now I’m sitting in the dark watching the rain fall outside and wondering why the year almost always dawns grey and foggy. 

Maybe it’s a sign: the Times are getting worse, and this weather is an omen.

Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it just happens because of the time of year and whatnot.

It is too dark in my room. I’ll have to brave the piercing light.

I’m trying out something new this year. I’m adding a blog roll to my website: this one, right here. It’s called “Journal” and occasionally I’m just going to write my thoughts like I would in a diary. For once, I’m not going to worry about finessing language and getting across a message. 

These are my thoughts, unadulterated: outside is gross, and inside my eyeballs are pierced with uncomfortably bright light. The Wi-Fi is working very poorly. I wish I were better at YouTube than I am, better at filming videos and editing them and being funny. It’s like I can only be funny in person; in writing, I am too sincere. Since when is being sincere a problem? Since it keeps me from making you laugh. I don’t know what this year will hold for my mental health. I’m hopeful but I don’t have a job so how hopeful can I be? 

I really want a job. 

I need to stop looking at stats for each blog post.

This year, I want to find someone to love me.

I want to write a lot of books this year. My biggest dream is to get an agent. And then a book deal. But first an agent. 

I am, despite it all, so inordinately excited for 2018. It’s a brand-new year! I’m an emotional person, and I’m all flippity-floppity inside at the prospect of a fresh start. Here’s to 2018!