It's not a secret that I struggle with depression. Or that I was diagnosed as bipolar. What is, I assume, a secret, is how much those two things affect me on a daily basis. How often I am incapacitated by my emotions. How many times I retreat into my prison cell of a mind and torture myself with thoughts of how little worth I have, how insignificant I am, how things would be better without me... Even in New York, in grad school, in this world of journalism, I fall victim to my own insecurities and self-hatred. I thought coming here would change everything, but I've realized ... I can't be changed by a place, a career or a person. No outside influence is going to swoop down and rescue me.
There will be days when I truly believe I can't go on. And my salvation has to come from the inside.
A while ago I developed a mantra, a life motto if you will:
But that wasn't enough. I still flirted with the idea of ending my life. I still felt agonizingly alone. I still wondered if I had what it took to survive.
Until a few days ago. I was on the train, ricocheting on the tracks, and I wondered what would happen if the train detailed. If I died. What would people say? What would they feel?
And if I died through my own will?
And that's when I promised myself that wouldn't happen. That wouldn't be my story.
Because I'm a writer, I wrote. I wrote a manifesto explaining exactly why that wouldn't happen.
It was supposed to just be for me, to keep on my desktop and remind me of my pledge. But I'm also an oversharer with an intense need to be known and understood. So I'm doing the same thing I did a few months ago with my definition of success: I'm sharing.
Below, for the world to see and hold me accountable to, is my anti-suicide manifesto.
I am not someone who died too young. I am not full of unrealized potential. I am not a sad obituary of one snatched away too soon. I will not be published and celebrated posthumously. My funeral will not be filled with hundreds of peers who can't believe I'm gone so early. My life will not be snuffed out in its prime.
There will be no tears of disbelief, no sobs, no anger at me or God. My parents will not witness my demise.
I am no cautionary tale.
I will be someone who chose life always, no matter what. No matter how many scars litter my arms, no matter how many tears scald my cheeks, no matter how many days pass without the sun. Rain, shine, hurricane, tornado. Fall, winter, spring, summer. In my 20s, my 30s, my 60s and 80s: as long as it is in my power, I will choose life.
I am not a statistic, a number, a blip on a police scanner. I am not a memory, a ghost or "somebody that you used to know."
I will not be the granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend you refuse to speak of. Some days I might be the granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend you refuse to speak to. But I will be there.
I will be at every birthday party, in every family photo, part of every wedding.
Holidays will not be sad because they remind you of me. They will be joyous because I will be there to make you laugh.
Through everything, I will remember: He. Is. Here. He is life, He is here, and so am I.
I am not death. I am filled with life.
This is the closest thing to a suicide note I will ever write. It is my anti-suicide note.
That is my promise, my vow, my oath.